Hilarious Resume Bloopers

Anyone who has to review resumes has a story or two to share about the kinds of missteps and lapses in judgment that are, on the one hand, pretty danged hilarious, and on the other hand, heartbreakingly sad because the person whose resume it is has no idea where they went wrong. They just know they're not getting called for interviews.

My friend Lise manages a big medical services center, and over the years she has shared some of the funniest resume bloopers she's seen from job applicants:

• One applicant, who had previously been a Certified Nurses' Aide described her job duties as: "Dispensed medication and passed out." Hmmm, not quite the kind of work ethic they were looking for.
• When Lise was hiring a part-time childcare worker for one of their programs, one person skipped the resume entirely and sent a one-line note that said: "Will I be forced to change diapers?"
• Another person sent her resume with an email signature that had a link to her MySpace page, which was wallpapered with repeated photos of joints (the smokable kind, not the creaky-knee kind).
• And then there was the person who didn't want to bother to type out her whole title, so she abbreviated it. Unfortunately, she didn't know the proper abbreviation of Assistant is Asst., and so her resume said she was the Ass. Manager. As Lise said, don't assign yourself that title unless you mean it.

Lots of people include inappropriate information, like one I saw this week who had put "Married father of five" on his resume, right next to his date of birth. I have nothing against mature married parents, but I can't select a candidate who doesn't know what's appropriate in business. Some personal information can be helpful, but the wrong kind in the wrong way will backfire. CareerBuilder compiled a list of 12 Odd Resume Inclusions that has some truly what-were-they-thinking bloopers.

• Three of the twelve were about bizarre attachments; one candidate attached a letter from her mother, another included their family medical history, and a woman included a photo of herself in a cheerleading uniform.
• One applicant explained his three-month unemployment period by saying he was getting over the death of his cat.
• And then there was the job seeker who admitted being arrested in his application, but tried to make it OK by saying. "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig." All righty, then.

Typos can create missteps that change everything. One recruiter posted at The HR Recruiting Alert about getting a resume that seemed to leave an all-important letter "f" out of the word "shift" which makes a big difference if your job title was Shift Supervisor. Oops.

I got some real belly laughs from Empire Colleges list, which included these gems:

• Objective: Seeking a party-time position with room for advancement
• Achievement: Planned new corporate facility at $3M over budget
• Skills: I am a rabid typist
• Language Skills: Exposure to German for two years but many words are inappropriate for business

And a cover note that I love because I've had people say this, in one way or another, more times than I can count:

• Please disregard the attached resume; it's totally outdated.

Email addresses are a choice that can really sabotage a job search.

I continue to get resumes from senior executives who use an email address like "JohnandMarySmith@email.com" which only makes me think that John and Mary don't know that it's free so they can each get their very own email account. Don't make it silly either. I had a candidate whose email was "buttrflygrl@email.com", and not only did it sound immature, but I often missed emails because I didn't recognize who that was. Have an email account especially for business purposes that is your name or something that refers to your profession. With friends, anything might go, but there's just never a good reason to use "redhotmama@email.com" or, as one recruiter reported, "swastika@email.com" in business.

So what should you do for your email address? Brazen Careerist has a great article by Christy LaVanway with a list of Do's and Don'ts. She says do keep it professional and consider how you might be able to hint at your skills with your email address, which I think is a very effective tool. "ITManagerJaneHowell@email.com" is a strong position. Another way is to buy your own domain, and use it to promote yourself. For instance, she could also use "JaneHowell@ITManager.com" or "hirejane@janethesalesexpert.com". All great ideas.

My addition to Christy LaVanway's list is: Don't ever use your work account on your resume. It seems like it should be obvious, but using your employer's resources to find a new job is tacky at best, and they have access to know anything you send or receive through their system.

Don't risk having your resume be a joke. Have at least two other sets of eyes read your resume slowly and carefully to catch any faux pas before you send it. Can you imagine the horror applying to the management job you've always wanted and later realizing that your resume said you "managed sex units" instead of "managed six units"?!